Impact Wrestling 6/9/2020
6/10
Impact continues to deliver a consistently solid show on Tuesday Nights, and as their roster continues to filter back after the shutdown, it's set to get even better. And then, depending on which WWE rejects Impact signs and pushes at Slammiversary, either even better still, or much worse.
Impact management has been discussing the future of the Impact World Championship, according to Josh Matthews. To prove it, they show two pasty white guys in slightly damp buttoned shirts having a very serious conversation in a small conference room. Well, I'm convinced. How about you?
Welcome to Bleeding Cool's review of Impact Wrestling for June 9th, 2020. Well, more of a recap really, but I'll give it a score at the end, and no one will be the wiser. The drinking game this week is to take a shot every time I manage to spell Deonna Purrazzo's name correctly.
Impact kicks off with a triple threat match. Michael Elgin comes out first, followed by Ken Shamrock, but Shamrock isn't waiting for Sami Callahan to join them. He attacks Elgin for that ball-kicking a few weeks back. The Smackdown Hacker interrupts the broadcast, and Callahan appears in the ring.
After a while, Elgin notices Callahan in the ring and attacks, but Callahan gets the upper hand. Josh Matthews plays up the mutual respect between Callahan and Shamrock. Shamrock hits a top rope dive on Elgin and Callahan on the outside. Matthews says he found the fountain of youth. By which he presumably means testosterone replacement therapy.
It's a triple threat match. We've seen one every day this week so far. You know how it goes. Everyone takes turns being in control. Everyone takes turns selling outside the ring while the other two men fight for a while.
How old is Ken Shamrock, anyway? Google tells me he's 56-years-old. Terry Funk was around that age the last time he won the ECW Championship (Deeeesssperado). A couple of years younger, actually. But Shamrock looks way older. Hell, Shamrock may look older than Terry Funk does today, that old bastard. Shamrock took a powerbomb like a champ, though, as Michael Elgin got the three-count.
After the match, Shamrock and Callahan are in the ring when Callahan does his disappearing act. Is he supposed to be Batman or something? Does that make Shamrock Commissioner Gordon? Madison Rayne thinks these two would be an unstoppable force if they got together. Matthews thinks he and Rayne make a good team too. She shuts him down. Don't they have workplace sexual harassment training in Impact Wrestling, Matthews?
Gia Miller interviews Jordynne Grace backstage. Grace says, coming back to impact is like coming home. Grace was tired of being stuck at home, and she's ready to return to normalcy, which she'll do by driving Taya Valkyrie's head through the mat. Tasha Steelz fights Susie next, after some commercials.
Trey confronts The Rascalz backstage. He wants to know who jumped him last week. They suggest it was Ace Austin or Reno Scum. The North show up and hint that it was Trey's own teammates. All I have to say is, does anyone know the whereabouts of Jeff Hardy during the attack? Was he drinking and driving again?
Tasha Steelz comes out with Kiera Hogan, followed by Susie. Matthews and Rayne use the opportunity to call Kylie Rae stupid for not realizing Susie and Su Yung are the same people. Steelz and Susie have an average, unremarkable match. Steelz won with the Diamond Cutter.
Backstage, Ace Austin was late for his interview with Gia Miller, so she waited for him. Austin speculated that the big news about the Impact World Championship tonight would be that Impact is gonna make him the champion since he's the number one contender. Tessa Blanchard is never coming back to work. Moose shows up to suggest Austin fight him for the TNA World Championship at Slammiversary. Austin wasn't interested. Hernandez shows up and challenges Moose to a match next week.
Deanna Purrazzo pulls up a limo! Well, okay, in a mid-grade rental car. But it definitely has the GPS upgrade. Business is about to pick up after some commercials.
Kiera Hogan and Tasha Steelz celebrate backstage after their victory, but they run into Havok and Nevaeh, who challenge them to a match. Steelz may be new here, but she's not working twice in one night. What is this, Monday Night Raw? The match will happen next week.
The Impact Plus Flashback Moment of the Week features Mike Bennett vs Earl Hebner?! Bennett gets the pin, but the real winners are the fans who got to see Hebner take his shirt off.
Backstage, Rohit Raju accosts Rhino for goring him last week. He wants to be Rhino's tag team partner, but Rhino says he has one already, referencing Heath Slater "He's got, kids." Rhino gored Raju last week to teach him a lesson about respect because kids these days. He tells him to get off his lawn, but when Rhino turns his back, Raju attacks. They brawl off the screen and into commercials.
Back from the break, Taya Valkyrie searches for Johnny Bravo. Then Johnny Swinger and Chris Bey come out for a tag team match. They're fighting Cousin Jake Deaner and Willie Mack. I have no interest in watching anything related to the Deaners, so let's see what Matthews and Rayne are up to. Matthews accuses Rayne of wrestling during the 80s. Rayne claims to have inside knowledge of which fired WWE Superstars will show up at Slammiversary.
Impact still hasn't followed AEW and WWE in using wrestlers to create crowd noise, but somehow it's hardly noticeable. Probably because we're used to no crowd noise at Impact, even when they have a crowd. There's still a match going on, by the way, and it's broken up by commercials.
We're back from commercial, and there's a Deaner in the ring still. Madison Rayne plays up the friendship between Johnny Swinger and Chris Bey. Matthews doesn't think their friendship is real. Jude Terror doesn't care. Matthews is so bored; he's trying to figure out what to call the pattern on Johnny Swinger's singlet. It's obviously rainbow tiger stripes, but Matthews calls it "tie-dye stripe?" You can see why he gets paid to talk for a living. Willie Mack and Phinneas Godwin pick up the win. Bey and Swinger attack them after the match.
Oh, @#$% another Deaner comes out to make the save. Matthews says it's a threesome in the ring and suggests Madison Rayne wants to go join them. I'm telling you, file an HR complaint on this guy, Madison.
Rosemary is breaking social distancing procedures with Johnny Bravo in a bar when Taya Valkerie finds them. At least, theoretically, it's in a bar or restaurant. There's crowd noise in the background as if they're in an establishment, but we never see any other people on camera. Rosemary accuses Taya of abandoning them while she was quarantining. Taya brought her a surprise: it's some kind of dollar store Taya Valkyrie action figure. Rosemary says they have a present for Taya, to establish their dominance in the Knockouts division.
Scott D'Amore is in the ring to give us the big Impact World Championship announcement. He points out how the last scheduled championship match at Rebellion had to be canceled because of coronavirus. Ace Austin won the number one contender's tournament. And Tessa Blanchard still isn't back at work.
Ace Austin's music plays. Austin comes out. He believes D'Amore is going to crown him world champion. Michael Elgin comes out now. He thinks he should be the champion, and Austin will have to deal with him if he wants to be the champ. Elgin delivers the in-ring promo version of his Twitter rants until Eddie Edwards interrupts. Does he, too, have a claim to the championship? Of course, he does.
Austin is sick of this. He demands D'Amore to get on with it and give him the title. He calls him porky. D'Amore admits it's a fitting nickname, but he's still gonna make them fight for the championship. D'Amore turns bright red as he gets fired up about this. There's gonna be a fatal five-way at Slammiverary for the title as Tessa Blanchard defends her title. Austin calls D'Amore senile and says that's only four people. D'Amore tells him to turn around and Trey attacks. There's your Slammiversary main event. Who will come out on top for the right to lose the title to Zack Ryder after he makes his return to Impact? Find out on July 18th! Commercials.
Gia Miller is backstage outside Deonna Purrazzo's locker room. She knocks on the door, but no one answers. She wants to get the scoop, though, so she opens the door. Purrazzo isn't inside. Riveting.
#CancelCulture comes out to the ring. Joseph P. Ryan wants to introduce the world to Jacob Christ. Christ attacked his brother to prove his loyalty and join cancel culture. Ryan wants to make sure no more problematic words are no longer used in Impact Wrestling, such as the word "crazy," so "Jacob is going to teach mentally unwell Steven a lesson." Crazzy Steve comes out to the ring. If #CancelCulture were to trend on Twitter, would they trend as #CancelCulture or ##CancelCulture? Something to think about.
Crist and Steve get down to business. Crist wrestles in rainbow plaid tights and a black button-down shirt. The match is even until Ryan distracts Steve with his iPad. Crist hits a crapload of kicks and gets the three-count. Rob Van Dam and Katie Forbes did nothing the whole time. Collect that paycheck, Rob. You deserve it. Backstage, Jordynne Grace is seen walking in a hallway as we go to commercials.
Impact shows the Slammiversary ad again as Josh Matthews and Madison Rayne sell sell sell. They run down the big matches booked so far, and Matthew says, "We may see [fired WWE superstars] show up here on July 18th!" In a trailer park in Florida, Don West's ears perk up. When duty calls, he will answer the call. He whispers: "what is Burt Tawkins doing in the Impact Zone?"
Taya Valkyrie comes out with Rosemary and Johnny Bravo. It's good to have her back in Impactno offense to the rest of the Knockouts division. But Valkyrie and Jordynne Grace bring a certain level of star power that was missing. Grace comes out, and we have ourselves a Knockouts Championship match.
Rosemary and Bravo at ringside are already adding some ambiance to the show by heckling Grace. Grace attacks Valkyrie before she's ready. Valkyrie bails to the outside with Rosemary and Bravo for a breather. Grace hits a dive on all three, and we head to commercials.
Impact is back from commercials, and I have a strong urge to take something called Lipozene for some reason. Grace has control with Valkyrie in the corner. Grace gives her a good pummeling. Valkyrie tries to escape by crawling through Grace's legs, but Grace catches her. She hits a suplex for two.
Grace whips Valkrie into another corner and slaps her in the tit. Taya fights back with a tit slap of her own. And another one. It's total carnage! Bah gawd! She's broken in half! Grace regains control and hits a belly-to-belly suplex for another two-count. Valkyrie is nearly in tears now. Grace hits Valkyrie with a forearm, and Valkyrie rolls out of the ring.
There's no escape, as Grace follows her. But when Valkyrie rolls back in the ring and Grace follows, Valkyrie hits her with a knee to the face. She's gotten her third offensive move of the match, so it's time to pander to the nonexistent crowd while climbing to the top rope. Grace takes advantage to knock Valkyrie to the floor, and Impact takes advantage of that by running another commercial break.
Back, and Grace is still in control. She hits a sidewalk slam on Taya Valkyrie, who rolls out to the floor again. Grace takes a while to get outside after her, which gives Valkyrie a chance to toss her into the steel stairs. She rolls Grace back in the ring and gets a two count.
Again, after hitting literally one move, Valkyries starts trash talking to the camera. She chokes Grace on the ropes and kicks her on the ground. She hits a running butt strike on Grace in the corner. Then a running double knee. That gets another two-count. Matthews halfheartedly muttered "new champion" during the pin as if he really believed that was the finish.
Valkyrie choked Grace some more. She puts her on the top rope and goes for a superplex. Grace fights back. She hits a sunset flip powerbomb. But Grace is too beat up from those six or seven offensive moves she's taken throughout the match to make the pin. She crawls slowly to her feet. Valkyrie is also selling her ass off. Grace hits a bodyslam, which Matthews mistakes for a powerslam. Grace hits a second bodyslam, but Valkyrie slips out. They trade blows, and Grace tosses Valkyrie shoulder first into the ring post. She hits a running knee in the corner, then another, then a Vader bomb.
Grace goes for the Grace Driver, but Valkyrie fights out. She backs Grace into the corner. Valkyrie goes for a splash and misses, but hits a spear for two. Madison Rayne argues it was more like two and a half. Grace is back to her feet, but Valkyrie hits her with a knee and goes for the Road to Valhalla. Grace fights out and hits a running double axehandle. She puts Valkerie in a sleeper on the ground and locks her legs around her. Valkyrie taps out.
Deanna Purrazzo's music hits and she comes out to the ring to stare down Grace. Matthews: "Headlines being written across everywhere right now." Purrazzo slaps a quick armbar on Grace, and Matthews thinks she may have broken her arm. Purrazzo poses to end the show. So the main event was won with a sleeper hold, and followed up by a run-in with an armbar? I like it. Impact continues to deliver a consistently solid show on Tuesday Nights, and as their roster continues to filter back after the shutdown, it's set to get even better. And then, depending on which WWE rejects Impact signs and pushes at Slammiversary, either even better still or much worse.
A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.
Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.
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