Sherronda J. Brown x Mar 31, 2020
This essay contains discussions of weight loss and fatphobia/size discrimination.
Ive shed a noticeable amount of weight since I began strength training several months ago. But I like to answer No sometimes when people ask whether Ive lost weight recently. I like seeing the look on their faces as they twist in confusion, going over their image of me and my body in their minds and wondering if theyve just imagined it all.
Every time my mom asks me how much weight Ive lost, I tell her, I dont know. Every time she compliments me and tells me I look good now, I ignore it and change the subject. I will not engage in the way that is asked of me, and I know it frustrates her and everyone else I am withholding information about my body from. Its the only acceptable form of gaslighting, in my opinion, when its used to make people trying to project their oppressive ideas onto me and my body uncomfortably question their reality.
I hate the normalized way our society talks about weight loss (and, by extension, weight gain), the way that people feel entitled to interrogate me with intrusive questions about my body, my activities, my diet. How its considered normal and acceptable to call attention to the mass of my frame and proceed to make assumptions based on a socially-shared false understanding of fatness, health, morality, and worthiness. All they want, all they crave from me in these interactions is a confirmation of their bias against bodies like mine, and I refuse to give it to them.
Since my body has changed, I have encountered, again and again, people congratulating me on meeting or approaching their standards for a more acceptable body. People applaud me for finally taking up less space in the world, and they expect me to be thankful and receive their words with pride. There are people who I love, and who say that they love me, who are openly happy to see that there is less of me. I dont know what to do with that.
Let me be clear. Im still not thin and I still dont want to be. I still dont have the body that people of my assumed/assigned gender are supposed to have. I still weigh over 200 pounds and have no intention of working towards being less than that arbitrary number. Im still fat and Im still okay with being fat.
The reasons I am strength training have nothing to do with my weight and everything to do with my peace and emotional well-being. This process was never about hating my body or its heft, but thats what people want it to be about. They think Ive made this change because I hated my body before, or maybe even because I hated myself. Worse, they think I am/was supposed to hate my fatness, that I am/was supposed to always be working towards becoming smaller because fat is such a shameful thing to be. And thats a shitty thought to have to hold in my head every time yet another one of these one-sided conversations pops up. Thats a shitty thing to have projected onto me.
Projections like this make it so that, sometimes, I inadvertently allow my body confidence to be dictated by frivolous things like the size of my waist, and I fucking hate that. Because, one day, my waistline very well might expand again, and I must remind myself that it will not make this body any less worthy of my intentional protection and care. Sometimes, I inadvertently internalize their words and aggressive, backhanded compliments, and I really fucking hate that. Because it feels like Im admitting that theyre right about me and my body and my relationship to it, and I have to remind myself that I already know they are not.
What I want is to be left the hell alone. More than that, I want people to finally understand that aggressively complimenting someone on their weight loss is not a compliment at all. I need people to understand that commenting on how I look now, and admitting or implying that they disliked how I looked beforeespecially directly to my fucking faceis not and never will be a compliment. Its an admission of their own shitty body politics, its projecting them onto me, and its inviting me to participate in the devaluation of my own body so they can feel validated in their fatphobia.
All it does is uphold fatphobia. It reinforces the concept that smaller bodies are inherently betterhealthier, more attractive, more valuable. This is how my body looks now, but that doesnt mean this is how it will look forever. Bodies change. Its normal and natural for bodies to change, with difference in time, age, environment, access, routine. My body is not better now than it was six months ago just because it happens to take up less space, and I need people to stop trying to make me carry the weight of their own fat hatred.
Every single dollar matters to usespecially now when media is under constant threat. Your support is essential and your generosity is why Wear Your Voice keeps going! You are a part of the resistance that is neededuplifting Black and brown feminists through your pledges is the direct community support that allows us to make more space for marginalized voices. For as little as $1 every month you can be a part of this journey with us. This platform is our way of making necessary and positive change, and together we can keep growing.
Read this article:
Commenting On Weight Loss Isn't The Compliment You Think It Is - Wear Your Voice
